Isabella

Pronouns: she, her

When I was four years old, I had this best friend. I had a crush on her. And I was so excited about it! I went home and I told my mom about these feelings. I vividly remember my mom and my sister standing in the kitchen when I told them and I said: “I really like her. Like…I like-like her.” My mother looked at me, kinda brushed it off her shoulders and said: “You just like her as a friend, she’s just your best friend…” I remember the look my sister gave me and then my mom and I could just tell she knew. Two weeks later I came home and I told them I had a boyfriend and my mom was excitedly asking what his name was and saying how cute the relationship was. I think that was the start of me hiding my sexuality from my family and even myself. I pushed myself into heterosexual relationships from then on.

I was born in Charlotte, North Carolina but I grew up in Angola, Indiana. I’ve never seen Indiana as an inclusive environment for the LGBTQ community. I base this upon my own experiences and how I grew up. For as long as I can remember, my family would always make comments about gay couples or gay marriage in a negative manner. My family was never outwardly homophobic – it was all under the rug – which I think affected me even more so than if it were obvious homophobia, because I internalized a lot of their opinions. I knew queer couples existed, and my grandparents were actually friends with some – but this did not override my entire environment. My family would give me encouragement about boys and pursue me to engage in relationships with boys. I always felt very pushed into heteronormative values. That environment closed me off to expressing my feelings for a very long time. If I could change anything about my experience in Indiana, I would change that environment I grew up in. I’ve realized that it had lead me down a path that never brought me happiness. My environment made me think there was something wrong with me. I was able to cut boys off so easily and I never experienced the feelings my friends described in relationships – I never understood why. I thought I had attachment issues and that lead to turmoil.

In middle school, I told a girl I liked her and it was a secret. We acted like we didn’t know each other and would only text. In high school, I dated a girl for the first time. I was fifteen and had never experienced those kinds of feelings – with her I was so happy and I couldn’t compare it to any other relationship with a boy. I was ashamed of it and I never told anyone. When the relationship went south, the same girl outted me on Twitter. So, after that, everyone knew and I had to deal with it. I remember a few days after the Twitter incident, I walked up to my locker to see that someone had written “fag” on my cheerleading decal. I never felt fully accepted. My friends were accepting me but I knew the majority of my environment were not. The whole thing kind of pushed me back into the closet. After that, I tried to label myself as bisexual and started dating men again.

It became obvious to me that I needed to come to terms with my sexuality in the middle of a 3-year relationship. I would tell myself that “this is a good thing, you should want this…” and get so upset with myself when I was uncomfortable in intimate situations. I didn’t connect those uncomfortable situations to being gay at the time, but now I see that I didn’t want anything to do with men. I remember a moment when my partner and I were discussing kids and marriage in a very realistic manner. It was then that I realized that I was looking into my future and yet I had never come to terms with my sexuality…literally ever. I was terrified. After I ended the relationship, I was catapulted into a tidal wave of self-reflection. I used to label myself as bisexual but as of recently, I’ve labeled it more so gay.

I’ve always had this internal fear that if I’m completely out I’ll be treated differently. I see that fear reflected in the government, some peers, but especially my family. Being in a red state makes me very tense. I think my biggest fear is being targeted for being queer. I’ve heard too many stories of queer women being assaulted by men. I’ve had an experience with sexual assault before but it wasn’t on the grounds. I’m scared someone would assault me because of my label or criticize my sexuality by not taking it seriously or labeling it as a phase because I “just haven’t found the right man.”

I am now at Butler University studying Spanish and Chemistry on a Pre-Med track. In Indianapolis, it’s a very inclusive environment – Indy is a little bubble. A friend from high school who I reconnected with recently really balanced me in the midst of all this self-discovery. I feel like my sexuality is a large part of who I am because I’ve just recently started embracing it. I’ve realized that it affects so much of my personality and how I view things. I’ve realized that without this newfound acceptance, I was only a shell of who I really am.